Talking to a Loved One When You Are Concerned

Start the Conversation: Talking to a Loved When You Are Concerned

The simple act of starting a conversation can be the support Veterans need to begin their journey toward feeling like themselves again. For a Veteran in crisis — one whose emotional struggles may lead to thoughts of suicide — these conversations can mean the difference between a tragic outcome and a life saved.

Some people may think that they need special training to raise the subject of emotional pain, and worry that they could make matters worse by bringing up the topic, but that’s not the case.  You don’t have to be an expert to share your concerns with a Veteran going through a tough time, or even a Veteran in crisis. Starting a conversation is an important step that can help your loved one feel cared for and valued and recognize that support is available. 

Opening the Door to a Conversation About Mental Health

If you notice changes in a loved one’s behavior or moods, it’s time to open a line of communication. By starting a conversation about your concerns, you let the Veteran you love know you’re here, you care, and you’re ready to listen.

Here are some ways you can start a conversation with a Veteran you’re concerned about.

First, focus on your own observations and share your feelings:

• "I’ve noticed you’ve been acting differently lately, and I’m wondering how you’re doing."
• "I wanted to check in with you because you haven’t seemed like yourself recently."
• "I’ve been worried about you lately."

Once you’ve started the conversation, you can begin to ask questions like:

• "When did you first start feeling like this?"
• "Did something happen that made you begin to feel this way?"
• "Are you having thoughts of hurting yourself?"
• "Are you having thoughts of suicide?"
• "What can I do to best support you right now?"
• "Have you thought about getting help?"

Asking whether a Veteran you love is having thoughts of hurting themself or thinking about suicide may seem extreme, but it is important. Many Veterans may not show clear signs of intent to harm themselves before doing so, but will answer direct questions about their intent to do so when asked. If you are starting a conversation because you are concerned about emotional or behavioral changes you see, questions about self-harm should be a part of that conversation.

When responding to answers from a Veteran you love, remember that simple, encouraging responses go a long way:

• "You’re not alone, even if you feel like you are. I’m here for you, and I want to help you in any way I can."
• "It may not seem possible right now, but the way you’re feeling will change."
• "I might not be able to understand exactly what you’re going through or how you feel, but I care about you and want to help."
• "I love you and want you to know that I’ll do everything I can to help you get through this."

If the loved one you’re concerned about is showing signs of crisis, consider saying the following as well:

• "When you want to give up, or feel overwhelmed by emotion, try to just focus on getting through the next minute, hour, or day — whatever you can manage. "

Conversation Starters: Do’s and Don’ts

Do:

• Be yourself. Try to be as natural as possible and show your concern by asking questions and listening to your loved one.
• Remain calm. The Veteran you’re concerned about may show strong emotions or even lash out. Your calm demeanor can help de-escalate the situation and have a reassuring effect.
• Listen without judgment. It’s a big step for your loved one to speak openly about their feelings. Show the Veteran you’re there by being supportive and receptive to what they say.
• Be positive. Reassure your loved one that help is available, treatment works, and recovery is possible. Remind them that distressing thoughts and even suicidal feelings are temporary and that their life is important to you. 

Don’t: 

• Don’t argue. Avoid suggesting reasons why your loved one shouldn’t feel a certain way, such as “You have so much to be happy about” or “Why can’t you just focus on the positive things in your life?” If the person you’re talking to is having thoughts of suicide, don’t say things like “You have so much to live for,” “Your suicide would hurt me,” or “Think about your family.” Arguing minimizes the feelings that the Veteran just shared with you and invalidates their emotional experience.
• Don’t lecture. Giving a speech about gratefulness and the value of life or supporting the perception that having negative thoughts — or even thinking about suicide — is selfish is not an effective way to get through to someone who is in serious emotional pain. In fact, lecturing your loved one can make them feel guilty or as if they’re a burden to others.
• Don’t agree to confidentiality. If you think your loved one’s life is in danger, at some point you may need to speak with a mental health or medical professional. To maintain open, honest communication and to avoid having to break your word, do not promise that you won’t share important information.
• Don’t blame You can’t solve someone else’s mental health challenges. The best thing you can do is support a Veteran on their journey.

Know the Warning Signs of Crisis and Suicide Risk

Though not all distressing thoughts and emotions lead to a crisis, if left unchecked, they could become a serious issue with time. Learning to recognize the signs of crisis and suicide risk is an important first step in understanding if someone you care about needs immediate help. Although many Veterans may not show any signs of intent to harm themselves before doing so, some behaviors — such as withdrawing from family and friends, having dramatic mood changes or deep sadness, or giving away prized possessions — may indicate the Veteran is in crisis and at greater risk of suicide.

The best way to find out if a loved one is thinking about suicide is to ask. Remember: Asking people if they’re having thoughts of suicide will not put the idea into their heads or increase their risk of harming themselves. In fact, Veterans who are contemplating suicide may welcome the chance to talk about their feelings. Talking may also help your loved one feel less alone.

If you know a Veteran who is showing warning signs of crisis, please call the Veterans Crisis Line, chat online, or send a text message today. 

Try to remain with a person in suicidal crisis at all times until you can connect them with a mental health or medical professional. However, if at any point you begin to feel that your safety is at risk, leave the situation immediately and get help. No amount of love, care, or concern for someone else is worth risking your own life.